When I started my spiritual journey, God put me to the biggest test of my life. I was mad to feel it, and I was even angrier to go through the stupid test. Nevertheless, I wanted to get close to the Universe, no stupid test is gonna make me quit my journey, I was thinking at the time with my stupid naivety. It came quite close, though, I am not going to sugar code it. I cursed and screamed at God and spirits with the aggression I was supposed to cure myself from. Yeah, no joke, one of my starting spark towards spirituality was this question – why the fuck was I so aggressive? I did my best to be thorough in my explanations. It was not in my nature to be like this, therefore, a logical question was always in the back of my mind. Oh, boy, did I let it all out or what? Do you know how a big horny gorilla behaves when is pissed? Well… do imagine an angry gorilla, but with comprehensive speech. The spirits must have had a lot of entertainment watching me, I showed off my personalities without any filter of speech or regard for their feelings. I am laughing now, after I’ve gone through it, I know exactly how they must have felt and think about my situation. And I don’t think I was the first actor to apply for a bigger role in the universe. Anyway, this being said… shall I give you the details?

I fell in love with a woman, out of the blue. No, not love at first sight, it was not like that. I felt love like never before. It made sense, like no sense made sense in my entire life until then. I am 48, I had time to sort out some things, but, not love. Apparently, love is not what I was feeling before. What now? I asked myself. There was no way that she would accept to even look at me. Don’t mind the popular advice that tells you to go after what you love, I knew in my deepest room from my heart that I was going to do a stupid thing. And I did. I had the most painful 3 days of my life and probably a few other lives – the mind, the soul, the nails, the teeth, everything I was and nothing I suspected to be were in the most excruciating pain. After 3 days and nights of torment, I gave in and told her. She pissed on my feelings, but you know what? The torment was gone the moment I finished my sentence. We knew each other for a long time. I was admiring her from afar, but never crossed my mind to tell her anything until I opened my heart to God. Something in me just sparked, I can’t explain it. Either to free me from her love shackles, either to test how much respect I have for myself. I proved them and me that I don’t need anyone to love me, that my self-love and self-respect is enough. Not until I have raised hell, of course.

This occurrence was a rite of passage for me. I think it is a basic requirement for all of us who start this journey, to have a good hold of our feelings, because what comes next requires the fortitude of mind to understand and accept whatever lessons are to be learnt. No advice or holy texts could have prepare me for what I’ve experienced, I did it all with my determination to feel real love and to find a way to test that love on myself. The answers just popped up in my mind, my defective feelings were leaving my heart with absolutely no protest and all this time, my face knotted a wonderful smile as a gift for all my work. It is a shit load of work, especially to release paradigms, and even more, to repair the pride.

Please disregard what I’ve said about expressing feelings being a stupid thing – don’t be afraid of rejection, guys. The rejection is not our worth, be grateful for the experience, something better is always on the path. Be kind, not stupid, unless you want to. And be loving, not an over giver. Find a balance without compromising your morals or standards. Whenever someone pisses on your feelings, is your cue to choose a better path – be grateful for the sign.

Whatever the rite of passage was for or will be for you, I’m betting that it is about the most important thing in your life. Mine was love, and of it I have in abundance now to go through life without fear.

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FIN

Roberto Palu